Too innocent
by lieze
Summary: One of the character's POV about his VERY distorted childhood?!?! R&R ^_^
1. Innocent's Innocence

Author's note: i am really surprised at myself after having written this. really sorry if it isn't a "nice" fanfic. no names used in here, but if you think about it carefully, you can pretty much figure out who and who i'm writing about. ^_^ r&r pls~  
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Title: Innocent's Innocence  
I was just sitting there, and I wasn't intending on doing anything, but she walked over to me, and told me to sit next to her. I didn't know what to say to her, and I didn't know it was wrong to sit next to her, so I just did what she told me to do.   
I didn't say anything to her about myself, but somehow she just started talking to me, and I was wondering why she knew my name, where I lived, how old I was, and all that. I didn't ask though, even though I was wondering. There are some things that you are dying to ask, but never get to. It's just like that, that's what she said. She also said that people like us die fast, so we have to live life to the fullest, and make sure that we get to go through everything. And experience everything.   
And then she touched me. There.   
I didn't feel afraid at that time, seriously, I didn't, because I knew her from before, and I knew she would never do anything to hurt me, intentionally at least; she wouldn't do it, I just knew that she wouldn't.   
But she touched me again. There.   
I was a little uncomfortable about it, so I told her to stop. She did, and she got up, and told me to follow her, so I did what she told me to do. She brought me to some place, I don't know where, and I was sweating badly. It was very hot there, and I was feeling very hot as well. I know people only feel hot when they... But it was different for me, I was really perspiring. I wiped my forehead, and let her lead me to a bed.   
She said that if I was not feeling well, I could lie there for a moment, while she got ready. I asked her what she was getting ready for, and she didn't say anything but the letter 'u'. She repeated it after she saw my puzzled face, and I tried not to seem so confused, because I didn't want her to be angry at me, so I only told her 'okay'.   
I think she thought I was fine with her, so she carried on with herself. She began to undress, and I was wondering a little why she was taking off her clothes. I thought, maybe she also felt hot, like me. I realised I was still sweating. I wondered why there was no air-conditioner in the dark room. Maybe she had forgotten to turn it on. But I didn't ask her about it, because I didn't want to interrupt her. After all, she was getting ready for something, or someone called 'u', and I didn't feel good about hindering her movements.   
After a few minutes, she walked towards me, and I could see her face a bit, but the room was still too dark for me to see her whole body. I wouldn't have been enthusiastic about that though, because it was not too nice if I saw her private parts. I think she didn't turn on the lights because she didn't want me to see her naked as well. I thought that was quite thoughtful of her too, since she considered how I would feel.   
Anyway, I felt her hand touch my face, instead of there, and I figured she was lost in the dark, and couldn't find her way. I told her that she was near the bed in the room, and she told me she knew. I was confused again, but I suppose she knew what she was talking about.   
I decided to not make much noise, because she was probably trying to go to the bed and sleep. I had always been sitting on the bed, so I stood up, so that she could get under the covers and have a nice dream. But she pulled me down again, and placed the blanket over me, and over my face.   
I wondered if she was playing a game with me, but she didn't say much about the rules of the game, so I figured that maybe she was not playing any game after all. She mumbled some words under her breath, and I leaned closer to her to hear what she was trying to say, but she didn't repeat her words; she bit my ear, and I groaned a bit. I apologised to her, because I had not paid attention to her words the first time she said them. She didn't seem to forgive me, because she tore at my clothes, and ripped them off my body. She pushed me upwards, and used her mouth to bite my belt, and she was yanking it off.   
I didn't understand what she was trying to do, but again, I didn't ask, because it was rude to interrupt someone when he or she is doing something. I thought that perhaps her hands were busy holding on to my chest, that is why she had to use her teeth instead. I did ask her if she needed my help in removing my belt, and she said nothing.   
I was quite angry with myself because I felt so rude to have kept interrupting her. After a while, she had taken off my jeans as well, and I was naked too, like her. We were both lying under the covers on her bed. I could feel her breathing very heavily against my forehead, and I tried to move. I felt that I should not have taken up so much bed space, so I tried to back away a bit, so that she could have a comfortable bed to sleep in. But she used her hand to push my face closer to her breasts, and I quickly closed my mouth, because I was afraid I would hurt her.   
I was still sweating, and by that time, my hair was soaked in my own perspiration. I felt a little uncomfortable, but decided that I would not disturb her, since she was sleeping so soundly. I was angry at myself again, however, because I had disturbed her, and she woke up. She pulled at my hair, and though it was a little painful, I didn't say anything.   
Then she got on top of me, and forced herself on me. It felt a little weird, and I was slightly confused, becaue I didn't know what she was trying to do. It felt a little painful after a while, and I cautiously requested for her to stop- I was afraid she would get angry. I didn't want to her to be angry, because she didn't look pretty when she was angry.   
She did stop though, and I smiled, because I had not angered her. She moved herself downwards, and licked my body, and it was quite ticklish, so I laughed. She grabbed my jaw, and told me to shut up, so I apologised profusely. I was so sorry that I made her annoyed.   
She started to lick other parts of my body, and even began to suck.... I didn't say a word, I was truely a good boy. I didn't make her get irritated with me too much, I was truely a good boy. I just lay there, and kept quiet, while she enjoyed herself. I knew that she was enjoying herself because she stopped pulling my hair, or biting me.   
  
The door to the room opened and the lights went on. Many men in uniform ( i think ) walked in. They made her really mad; she screamed and shrieked so loudly. I was so sad, and afraid, because the men were taking her away. I begged the men to stop, but they ignored me. I begged for them to let her go- she was such a nice and gentle person, what did she do wrong?! They only ignored me.   
One of them walked towards me. He was wearing a white uniform, and he covered me with the blanket. I could see that the blanket was stained with blood, and I was horrified because I thought I had hurt her. The man in white hugged me close to him, and he kept saying repeatedly, "You're okay now, don't be afraid. You're okay now... You're safe now... She won't hurt you anymore..."  
  
I didn't understand at all, and for the first time, I shouted at everyone.   
  
"Give me back my Mummy!!!!"  
  
-end- 


	2. Confused With Confusion

Author's note: Though not instinctively obvious, this is a sort of continuation of [Innocent's Innocence]. I hadn't intended on creating this fic, until I listen'd to a track from the .hack//SIGN soundtrack, "b.t.". R&R please, and enjoy! ^_^  
  
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...and he had told me not to say anything. So I tried to keep my mouth closed. I was just waiting there for so long- tears were in my eyes, and I wasn't sure if I should've held them back, or just let them fall.  
  
And then I saw the shining glitter in his eyes, as he walked towards me, and I knew that I should hold them back. Only girls cry. I wonder who told me that? It doesn't matter, I'm worrying about more important things.   
  
Those men in white uniforms, the ones who took Mummy away, they are walking about everywhere now. I wonder why- why they took Mummy away. Mummy was always caring for me, and she was always there for me. Why did they force all the good people away?  
  
I feel a little sick, and I'm hurting there. I don't know the reason, but somehow I just want to go to the restroom and vomit. Mummy taught me the word- nausea. See, Mummy teaches me so many things; she is such a great person.  
  
The man now sits next to me, and he is saying words I cannot hear. I don't tell him that I cannot hear him though, because he told me not to say anything. I'm sorry that I can't tell him. Maybe I should do so later.  
  
Sometimes, that man makes certain gestures that I don't understand. He holds his head in his hands, and breaks down. He also shakes his hand, and as he looks at me, his tearful eyes are also very sad, like he has lost hope in something.   
  
I want to ask him why he is so miserable, but he told me not to say anything, so I can't ask him about it.  
  
I guess I don't hate this man talking to me. I don't know why, but he seems like a nice person. And if he isn't, he looks as if he has gone through a lot, and I shouldn't hate him because he has gone through enough.  
  
As he continues speaking, another man approaches us. This man is also dressed in white, but he is different. I think he is a doctor. There is an instrument around his neck. I don't know the name, but Mummy says doctors use that instrument to feel people's heartbeats. How come they don't do it to me now? I want to hear my own heartbeat too.  
  
Anyhow, the doctor reaches out to take me away, to someplace, but I hit his outstretched hand away. I am surprised at my own actions; at my own aggressiveness- if Mummy had seen me treat people that way, she would've surely been disappointed. But I can't apologise now. Besides, it's their fault. They are the ones who took Mummy away.   
  
The man sitting beside me tries to calm me down. He puts his hands around me, and hugs me close to his chest. As he does that, my cheeks are wet again. I close my eyes tightly, so that no more tears can flow down them, but my eyes are too small, and they are overflowing.   
  
I can see the man's lips moving again, and he is crying too, but I can't hear anything he is saying. Maybe I'm crying because of that, but I know that I want my Mummy very badly. Why can't they just let Mummy go? Why can't he just let Mummy go? He is a good friend of Mummy's, so how come he can't tell the doctor and all the other people to let Mummy bring me home?   
  
I think the man doesn't know I can't hear him, because after a while, he stops hugging me, and tells me that he loves me. I know that he is saying that, even though I can't hear him, because Mummy always tells me how she loves me. I know how to lip-read those three words. Mummy taught me.   
  
I shake my head vigorously as the doctor takes me away. I don't want to go with him. I don't care where he is going, I just don't want to go with him. His hand is gripping my arm very firmly, and I can't escape his grasp. It is very painful, where he is grabbing my arm, and I want to scream and shout out in pain, but I remember that I was not supposed to say anything.   
  
There is another pain, but I don't know where it is.  
  
I look back over my shoulder, and the man is still sitting there, staring after me. How can he leave me like this, and hand me over to some doctor?! I don't want to go anywhere...   
  
Somebody..bring me home. Please. Give me back my Mummy.  
  
In a very brightly-lit room, I feel giddy. The light is too white, and I can't see or think properly. Bright light isn't good for you, Mummy taught me that. She always remembered to turn off the lights when I was with her, so that my eyes would not get hurt. Mummy always thought about me. Mummy always cared for me.  
  
The doctor takes the hearing instrument, and places one end of it on my shirt. I don't feel anything, and I think the doctor cannot hear my heartbeat too, so he asks a nurse to take off my shirt. She approaches me, and tries to unbutton my bloody shirt. She looks a bit like Mummy, and I think I was too tired, so I thought she was Mummy so I took her fingers and I kissed her hand.  
  
I looked straight into her eyes when I did that.  
  
She panicked because I shouldn't have done that, and I'm sorry about doing that too, but I'm not allowed to talk, so I can't tell her that. The doctor is also shocked, and he tells me that I cannot do that to her. He tells me it is wrong. I don't really care about what he's saying to me- I don't like him, and besides, I am thinking about how I can hear him. I thought I couldn't hear anybody speaking earlier on.  
  
I unbutton my own shirt, and the cold circular metal is placed against my chest. I look at how the doctor does it, and he is concentrating hard. His eyes squint because he's trying to listen to my heartbeat. I think he hears it, because he seems to relax a bit, and he moves his hand across my chest to feel the scars and cuts I have on my body.   
  
He is shaking his head in hopelessness, and I wonder if he knows the truth:  
  
Mummy didn't do it on purpose, she was drunk and tired that night. She didn't see that it was me in the dark, so she hit me by accident with the broken bottle. Because I was making such a weird noise, she thought I was a burglar so she hit me even more. That was how I got the cuts and bruises.  
  
It wasn't Mummy's fault. Mummy is not a bad person.  
  
But the man outside told me already, that I was not to say anything, so I can't tell the doctor the truth.  
  
Anyway, the doctor, still looking sad, finishes his examination, and he waits for me to put my shirt back on. He asks me something, and I find that I cannot hear him again. I think he is repeating his question over and over again, because I see his lips moving very fast, but I cannot hear him. I don't know why; I'm not deaf, but I just cannot hear anything anybody is saying.   
  
I only want to hear Mummy talk to me.  
  
The doctor brings me out, and I see the man look up. He is crying again, and I feel a little bad, but I don't know why. I don't think I did anything wrong... The doctor and the man talk a bit, and as usual, I can't hear them. After a while, the doctor walks away, and the man brings me outside.   
  
* * *   
  
The sun is very bright and I am looking at the floor because Mummy told me too much bright light is bad for you. The man is kneeling on the ground and he is crying a lot. He is crying harder than before, and I don't know why. He is also making a funny sound, the first sounds I can hear from him. It sounds like he is moaning, and suddenly I feel like comforting the man, but he hasn't told me to "un-shut" my mouth, so I cannot talk still. I have been thinking for very long about why the man is crying; why he looks so distraught when he looks at me, and all that. Is it because of what I asked? Maybe I shouldn't have talked, because he told me not to. Outside that place, when the doctor let me go, and the man brought me out of the building full of men with white uniforms..I asked him.  
  
"Daddy, where is Mummy?"  
  
-end- 


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